The Hidden Logic Behind the Behavior — and the Healthiest Way for Parents to Respond
In the early years of life, crying is a child’s primary emotional language.
But sometimes, this simple instinctive behavior gradually evolves into a tool children use to get what they want.
When parents are unsure how to respond, crying can quickly become the child’s shortcut for gaining attention or achieving a desired outcome.
In this article from Matiar Salaleh Preschool & Kindergarten, we explore the reasons behind this pattern, its consequences, and the most effective, research-backed strategies for parents.
Crying: Emotional Expression or a Form of Control?
During infancy, crying is the main way children communicate discomfort, hunger, fear, or overwhelm.
But after age two or three, children begin to learn new communication skills—using words, gestures, and social cues to express their needs.
So when a child continues to rely exclusively on crying at this stage, one of two things has usually happened:
• Parents respond instantly to the crying and fulfill the child’s needs.
(The child learns: “Crying = fast results.”)
• Crying gives the child a sense of safety or control in stressful situations.
Researchers at the Center on the Developing Child at Harvard University emphasize that emotional outbursts at this age are often less about defiance and more about a developing need for emotional regulation.
Why Do Children Learn to Get Their Way Through Crying?
1. Inconsistent or overly quick parental responses
If parents give in during one situation but resist during another, the child becomes confused.
To regain certainty, they may cry longer or more intensely.
Studies show that inconsistency reinforces stubborn or demanding behavior (APA, 2022).
2. When verbal communication goes unnoticed
If a child tries using words but receives no response—yet crying gets immediate attention—they naturally gravitate toward what works best: crying.
3. Fatigue or stress
Frequent crying can also reflect tiredness, hunger, overstimulation, or separation anxiety.
In these cases, crying is a plea for help, not manipulation.
4. Imitating emotional patterns in the environment
Children imitate what they see.
If the home environment has frequent shouting, emotional intensity, or dramatic reactions, children may adopt crying as their default communication style.
How Parents Influence This Pattern
✔ Unintentional Rewarding of Crying
Every time a child receives something because they cried, the brain creates a link:
“When I cry, I get what I want.”
This becomes a self-reinforcing cycle (Harvard Center, 2020).
✔ Parental guilt
When parents think “If I don’t give it to them now, they’ll be upset,”
they may prioritize short-term peace over long-term emotional learning.
This unintentionally fosters emotional dependency.
✔ Swinging between strict and permissive
Some parents oscillate between firmness one day and lenience the next.
This unpredictability weakens the child’s sense of security and strengthens cry-based behaviors.
Effective, Evidence-Based Strategies for Parents
1. Identify the true reason for the crying
Before reacting, ask:
• Is the child tired?
• Hungry?
• Overwhelmed?
• Needing comfort rather than a solution?
Address emotional or physical needs first—not demands.
2. Stay calm and consistent
The calmer you remain, the faster a child’s brain can calm down.
As child psychologist Dr. Tina Bryson, co-author of The Whole-Brain Child, notes:
“A calm parent regulates the child’s brain.”
3. Teach emotional language
Encourage your child to express their feelings with words:
• “I’m upset because you took my toy.”
• “I’m frustrated.”
• “I need help.”
Tools like emotion cards, social stories, and role-play activities—often used in preschool settings—can strengthen this skill.
4. Use “Planned Ignoring” when appropriate
If it’s clear that the crying is for attention or manipulation, say:
“When you’re calm, we can talk.”
Then offer positive attention only after the crying stops.
This technique is validated by Behavioral Parenting Training models (AAP, 2021).
5. Reinforce positive communication
Whenever your child uses words instead of crying, praise them immediately:
“I love how you told me your feeling with your words.”
Positive reinforcement strengthens the behaviors you want to see.
Common Mistakes Parents Should Avoid
❌ Stopping the crying just to keep the peace
❌ Threatening statements like “If you cry, I won’t love you”
❌ Laughing at or teasing a crying child
❌ Ignoring the real cause behind the behavior (fatigue, hunger, stress)
When Should Parents Be Concerned?
If your child:
• Cries more than 3 hours a day at age 3+,
• Shows aggression or severe separation anxiety,
• Struggles to calm down in new environments,
it may be helpful to consult a child psychologist or an early childhood specialist.
Underlying anxiety, sensory sensitivity, or emotional regulation challenges may be involved.
Final Thoughts
Crying is a natural part of emotional development—but when it becomes a negotiation tool, it’s a sign the child needs guidance, not punishment.
Children thrive when they learn:
“I don’t need to cry to be understood.
I can express my feelings calmly, and someone will listen.”
At Matiar Salaleh Preschool & Kindergarten, emotional learning, guided conversations, and cooperative play are woven into the daily curriculum—helping children build confidence and communicate their needs with clarity and calm. 🌼
References
1. American Academy of Pediatrics (AAP). Crying and Your Baby: What’s Normal? (2021)
2. Center on the Developing Child at Harvard University. Building the Brain’s “Air Traffic Control” System. (2020)
3. Bryson, T. & Siegel, D. The Whole-Brain Child. Bantam Books (2018)
4. Verywell Family. How to Respond When Your Child Cries to Get What They Want. (2022)
5. American Psychological Association (APA). Understanding Emotional Regulation in Early Childhood. (2022)
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